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The Mini Dad Chronicles:
Being a better mini dad By Mike Keefe |
In the spirit of the holidays, we're offering some invaluable tips for mini dads. However -- full disclosure time -- these were inspired by a letter from a disgruntled reader. Here's what the impotent little mouse of a man had to say:
Dear Mini Dad,
Who do you think you are? What gives you the right to classify and make fun of other parents who spend their time and money to introduce their children to the sport that we all love? Maybe you should spend more time practicing and less time criticizing others because I saw your last race. You suck!
Nazi Dad
Naperville, Ill.
After dealing with every form of "mini parent" described in MDC's last installment, I believe that I am an expert in the study of ignorance. As far as my riding skills are concerned...well, uh, you're right I do suck, but at least I get out there and ride rather than stand trackside and yell at my child because he isn't able to pass the fat kid on the XR70. Why don't you lay off your kid and try racing a moto? Maybe then you will realize that it's not as easy as it looks.
However, since I've seen (and smelled) your type, I know you'll never venture onto the big tracks with the likes of me. Because of that, and the fact that according to my editor I do owe you some takeaway value in this column, here's some advice for improving the lap times of your kid, in particular, and your overall enjoyment of the mini-dad experience, in general:
Tips for teaching...
1) Tie child's hand to throttle.2) Save explanation of brake function for second lesson.
3) Threaten to take video game away if his riding doesn't progress as well as you'd like.
4) Take child out of school because education can get in the way of quality riding time.
5) Teach your child to appreciate his dirt bike by telling him "there are children in starving in China that would love to have a dirt bike."
6) Phrases to spout, even if you have no idea what they mean: "keep your elbows up" "twist the throttle" "squeeze the bike with your legs" "bend your knees" -- "go faster or I'm giving your bike to one of those hungry Chinese kids."
Tips for mini dad on race day...
1) Wear your best moto-related clothing. The larger the manufacturer's logo, the better. This is the best way to demonstrate to the other parents that racin's in yer blood.2) Make sure to give your child a big push when the gate drops. Worried about the refs? A good mini dad always finds a way. (And Mike always has. -- Ed.)
3) If your child crashes, make sure you block as many other riders while helping your kid up.
4) Stay hydrated and remember to breath when running around the track and yelling at your kid.
5) Save some energy for the third moto (a.k.a., "the protest").
6) When fighting with other parents, it's best to stay in their blind spot then hit them.
7) According to AMA rules, running a modified bike in the stock class isn't considered cheating unless you get caught (even then you can refer back to #6).
Standard equipment for the mini dad...
1) Don't even think about showing up without a motorhome. If it's not 31 feet or more, the other mini dads will know you're a pretender.2) Trailer with black-and-white checkered floor and big fox logo on the side.
3) Two-way radio set so you and the pit crew can stay abreast of happenings on all sides of the track.
4) Pit board. (Don't use permanent marker, dumb ass.)
5) Stopwatch.
6) Tums or Rolaids.
7) Although not required, having a golf cart will decidedly place you in the upper echelon of mini parents, except for at the nationals, of course, where it's a definite requirement.