Well, we all know that's a loaded question. Rare is the mini racer who's actually in the market for a mini bike. Be honest kid. You ain't "in the market" for anything more expensive than a gumball. It's dad who's in the market, not you.

Now that we got the balance-of-power thing down, let's get right to it. The 1987 RM80 is a venerable machine that -- and we've said this before -- proves yet again that it's the dirt and not the bike that makes dirt bike riding so kick ass fun.

The bike's suspension is supple (even after years of negligence -- sort of like our mid-sections). The engine is a pipey demon (even on what are probably five-year-old rings -- kind of like Senior Correspondent Mike Keefe's underwear). And the handling is dreamy (but so it is on anything weighing less than 140 lbs. -- although we hear from riding buddy Joe Carnes that that wasn't the case with his last date's left butt cheek, but we digress).

Midwestmotocross.com's Heckling Crew got its grimey hands on this prime speciman of the bike of the moment a few weeks ago for an extensive test. We put it through some relentless laps at Buffalo Range Riding Park in Ottawa, Ill., all to bring you this complete review. (Well, OK, we ran 15 minutes in the sand pit, five minutes on the big track, 10 minutes in the woods, posed for some pictures and rolled it down a hill at some locals to see how straight it tracked, but we did manage several alcohol-induced wheelies later that evening, which should be enough for our report.)

No! Actually, the shocks absorbed some pretty big hits impressively. After riding the sand pit for awhile, where we might have managed to launch it 10 feet max, we took the little yellow turd to Buffalo Range's big MX track and embarassed ourselves by repeatedly jumping it on the long table-top in the back section.

This table-top has a standard landing and then a wuss landing about 3/4 of the total distance. The wuss landing measures about 35 feet on our highly accurate midwestmotocross.com measuring system (a couple paces, then eyeball what's rest). At least once, we hit the wuss landing and the RM just soaked it up. (OK, so we're not launching this thing like Mike Alessi, but we do weigh about four times as much, so it evens out.)

As for cornering, all our testing on the track took place with little or no front brake (see reliability section below), so it was difficult to tell how deep the forks would dive into their stroke coming into the corners with authority. As for the shock, though, it allowed the pipey powerband to hook up swell (as long as you could find it).

In the woods, both ends glided over the trail trash. Surprisingly, the bike was a dream crossing logs. It was easier than on a full-sized bike, even with the puny ground clearance. The method was this: full throttle, pull back, coast over. The bike is so light that if you do get stuck, you can lift the rear end on over the log just by planting your feet and shifting your weight forward.

Our next ride, we plan to adjust the oil height in the forks, replace the seals and set the sag in the rear to get a better take on the suspension performance, and if you believe that then maybe you'd be interested in purchasing a plot of land on the moon for $29.95?

Do you know how fast guys get fast? They learn to rip on mini two strokes and then ride the same way when they get on 250cc bikes.

To make a mini MXer go, you need to crank it, clutch it and shift like a mad man. If you pussy foot around, it will bog terribly and barely pull you up the biggest jump on the track. If most of us would ride the same way when we got on a 250, we would end up launching ourselves over every berm. But, then again, most of us are not A riders.

Anyway, our RM is like other 80s in this regard. You need to rev it out and keep it there. It's actually pretty easy to do. Just keep the bike screaming. You can ride by the sound of the engine, basically. If it doesn't sound like it's about to blow up, you need to slip a little clutch or twist harder. And shift, shift, shift, but don't let it fall off the pipe, or you're screwed.

As long as the RM was crankin' it pulled even Mike's lard ass up some pretty good hills in the woods. However, even through it exhibits the typical characteristics of an 80, the bottom range of the powerband is, well, pathetic even in comparison. We'll give its engine a B-.

Between our parking spot and the big MX track at Buffalo Range, there's this long field, a half mile in length or so. Of course, we took the RM for a few drag races against some bigger bikes. Of course, we didn't win. We did find out that if you hit the upper RPMs in sixth gear on a stutter bump ridden dirt track that the front end will twist like your lower intestines after a night of haberneros and tequila.

Our little Suzuke held up great for the duration of our thorough testing. The only two problems were a non-existent/spongy front brake and a leaky carb.

The front brake was the most annoying of the problems. Although we didn't need it so much in the sand, it would have come in handy on the downhill single track in the woods. A quick mechanical inspection, though, indicated the problem likely was the complete lack of fluid in the brake system.

Having no Dot 4 on hand, we improvised with 10W30 motor oil. Amazingly, we did build up some pressure while bleeding the system in the pits, but it wasn't enough to engage the brake. Even more amazingly, after we took the bike in the woods, gut stuck in a mudhole, throwing the chain in the process, the brake suddenly started hooking up.

While Mike thinks the brake simply had heated up enough by then to manage a little bit of grab, the consensus back at our editorial offices was it was the old "Hydraulically Orchestrated Modulation brake Ordering System" (HOMOS) used on Suzuki's works bikes back in the day. The system was designed to allow Johnny O' and the like to alter the stiffness of the front brake by avoiding or hitting various strategically and convertly placed mudholes on the national circuit tracks during motos. It looks like our 80 snuck through the assembly line with that system intact. Cool.

Here's Mike actuating the works HOMOS on what's
increasingly looking like the sleeper bike of the year.

We are thinking about contacting our local dealer to see if there have been any service bulletins or recalls issued for the leaky carb. Mike keeps insisting that it's just a worn needle valve seat and that it is a standard wear item, but our local technical guru and West Side fixture, Mr. Crack-N-All, takes exception to Mike's theory.

"Those bastards messin' wit yer money! You touch my money, that's when the shit happens, boy," Mr. Crack-N-All explained at a technical review the next morning. "I stuck whitey over less'n a carb b'fore. I's be stickin' you over dis!"

We think Viagra and MX leathers don't mix.

Anyway, that's it for now. Nurse Beatty says its time for our afternoon nap.